Predictably Unpredictable Musings

The Snowball Effect

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When you’re having a bad day

And you couldn’t do what you planned

Your head starts a snow ball effect

Of trying to mess up your brain

Your thinking turns inward

Your attitude feels vindictive

You try to start a tiny thing

Its not as bad as you think

Yet the anger and rage rise

The volcano starting to crumble

You start to hate yourself feeling pathetic

Feel ridiculously weak and like you can’t take it

Voices within want you feeling wounded

Mind says you can’t do it so stop trying anyway

They are like the uninvited guests at a party

Already drunk, throwing their weight around

Acting like the place is theirs, laughing like clowns

Not allowing you to have space or your freedom

Taking away your decision-making and initiative

Making everything feel like it’s your fault…stupid!

As soon as you even think you can try something small

Just that tiny seed of positivity

They come down on you, like you’re their slave

“Hands up” they say, and “get to the ground!”

Try as you may to fight them off

You feel you’re up against a hurricane

The snowball molehill has become a mountain

You feel helpless to now stop it all

You’d be better off just ignoring it

But your body is full now of adrenaline

Everything now feels very wrong

Your guts have turned to something distilled

Time has stopped and it feels surreal

It all started from just one expectation

A failure percieved by your own personal regime

Turned into a bad day, and your worst nightmare!

©️ PrEdIcTaBlY UNpreDicTaBLe

Alone And Confused

Feeling lost and overwhelmed

Don’t really know how to describe

A sadness and disappointment

In a place I don’t belong

I can’t work out what I should do

I thought I’d have more help

I’m not sure what I had in mind

Just some kind of step by step?

I don’t really know though

What should be the first brick

What do I concentrate on first?

Where do I begin?

It’s like I need instructions

And what to do next

I can’t work out how to tell you

What I think and feel

It’s all odd and strange like

Overwhelming but numb

All I can do is laugh

You must of noticed this

It’s like you got hold of the map

But you’re not showing me where to go

I’m not familiar with this culture

Nor even the landscape

Maybe it’s something I’m doing

Or something I should have done

I don’t know how to communicate this

So I shut down instead

I try to push down how I feel

Pretend like it’s not there

It’s like I have a blindfold on

And have to feel my way along

Its like a maze in my head

With only triggers to go by

It’s like that game I used to know

Called “Operation” as a kid

Where you carefully remove the bones

Without touching the sides

I work emotionally

So that’s all I have to go on

I have to feel from you

That security and safety

I wish I could open up

But it feels all blocked inside

I am not even capable it seems

Communicating well my side

There are only certain ways that I know

Like someone telling you directions

They may know the whole town

But you’re only familiar with a few roads

The words I describe are alone and confused

Confused because I don’t know where I’m going

Alone because I’m finding it difficult to trust you

I want to trust you, and I’m willing

But something is stopping me, and I don’t know what it is

I wish I could just trust and make it all “awwryte”

I guess it will take time to understand myself

©️ PrEdIcTaBlY UNpreDicTaBLe

Time Stops

When you’re not here

It feels like time has stopped

Like I don’t know what to do with myself

And I’ve lost the plot

I don’t look after myself

I don’t care anymore

I could go all day without food

And not bother with drinking much

I feel numb and depressed

Like I just wanna sleep

I don’t wanna be here

Just wait till you come back

©️ PrEdIcTaBlY UNpreDicTaBLe

Childlike Request

I’ve noticed to get my needs met

I ask others in a child like state

I am not sure why I would do this

But I’ve obviously learned what works best

It’s like I have no confidence

To ask the simplest of requests

So I ask in a child-like voice

Then perhaps they won’t reject

I notice myself doing this at times

It disturbs me as if I’m checking in on myself

Another part asks why are you asking like that?

And I feel bad because I don’t know yet

I do not have the answers to these things

I just know I’ve always been like this

This is not something you would pick up about me

Unless you actually know me in real life

When I analyse it all

It upsets me the fact

That I can’t even ask in a normal way

If I can have this or that

Is it manipulation, or a survival instinct?

I just am trying to work out

Something deep is there though

But I forget and move on to something else

©️ PrEdIcTaBlY UNpreDicTaBLe

A Disconnect

Confused as hell, and feel like my head is trying to avoid

For I don’t imagine myself to be what I actually am inside

It is like there is a wire lose, or perhaps a disconnect

I can’t communicate it well to others

I barely know what’s going on myself

It feels scary and like I don’t want to confront it

What do I do and where do I run from this?

Can anyone understand this weird concept even?

Why do I feel I’m a different person to who I am in real life?

Does my own perspective count? Is it even real?

Why is it so warped? I need help with this….

©️ PrEdIcTaBlY UNpreDicTaBLe

A Balance Of The Two

Life is

A balance of

Holding on

And

Letting go

Nobody ever taught me this

Except toxically so

And it causes all sorts of problems

People expect you to know

©️ PrEdIcTaBlY UNpreDicTaBLe

What Do You See?

I know what it is

We like to be seen

You want people to notice

There is more to you than believed

You want to feel special

We want to feel admired

You feel unique and like nobody else

When in fact the truth is I’m not

Anyone can show a nice looking side

When you’re having a better day

Got the selfie looking just right

You feel happy with the image displayed

But life is not like a photo

We don’t percieve ourselves how others would see

People don’t get a rounded out view

From just a photo or two

We all see what we want to see

Photos only give you so much

They only give a side to look at

Usually the side we want to show

We all critique ourselves

Change the lighting, make black and white

There are so many things you can do these days

Or leave it to the imagination

I’ve made my mistakes along the way

I’ve given of myself when I didn’t think

To people who didn’t need to see

People who don’t deserve to know

I’ve shared inappropriate images

To people that are not friends

I wish I could take back all those pics

That show those sides of me

I didn’t want them to have them

It was more like see beyond them

There is always more to a picture

Than what is actually presented

Once in someone’s possession though

You can’t take that image back

I’m learning that I don’t need to show

What people didn’t need to see

A photo doesn’t show progress

It shows one moment in time

It doesn’t show the struggles

Behind the face you’ve portrayed

©️ PrEdIcTaBlY UNpreDicTaBLe

This World We Live In

The heat it seems has sprung up a notch

A heatwave is well under way

You try and keep cool by staying in shade

Or just not going out at all

It’s like someone left the central heating on

And then forgot to turn it off

But you can’t really turn the sun down

Worms and termites have it best

We gravitate toward water or forests

When it’s hot and humid as it is

The temperature is much cooler there

It is nature’s air conditioning

Our houses aren’t built for heat here

They are built to keep the heat in

We end up getting air cooling units

And fans keep air moving

This then adds to our electricity bill

Which we can’t now pay as it is

Because inflation rates are too high

And the government’s seem corrupt

A food crisis is already in tow

Farmers struggling to make ends meet

Floods and fires already causing havoc

Around many parts of the globe

The earth is heating up we know

Ice-caps melting leaking methane gas

Natural habitats destroyed in minutes

Thousands dying from an ongoing pandemic

Our crops are needing water to grow

Water being a delicate resource

We can only do so much at once

To keep up with ongoing wars and crisis

There is going to come worse times yet

As man’s greed tries to rule the planet

Its starting to make people rethink

The problems seem to be mounting up

Interupting many facets of our lives

Hospitals struggling to survive demand

If you are starting to ask questions now

Check out this free resource at JW.ORG

W.H.Y?

Why did you not teach me how to TRUST?

The fundamental building blocks of life!

Get to 45, don’t know how I’ve SURVIVED!

How I got where I am now I ask myself?

With a life based on abuse, trauma and LIES!

Struggled to care for myself. Barely know who I am!

Wasn’t that supposed to be your job right?

Help me be a FUNCTIONAL human at least?

Why did you not give me the blueprints and instructions?

What was so bad that you decided to spurn me?

Did you just not bother, thought it would come along?

Something you felt incapable of alone?

You feel its not your responsibility or concern?

“She’ll….tough it out, and she’ll do fine!”

Why was I some robot patented by you?

That felt she had to learn your shitty commands

You didn’t teach me how to trust myself, show love to others

Had to be what YOU needed, and nothing else

Pretend, copy and imitate me was your thing

You only taught me distrust, and how to FIGHT!

This was no good, because I felt weak inside

Dissociation and hiding became my world

It’s ok though I had imaginary parents

They kept me sane, and taking care of my brothers

You didn’t teach me to be patient and LOVE myself

You never taught me how to be gentle and take my time

To be proud of myself, not need other’s approval

So I learned to self-harm and hurt myself in return

I never knew how to self-soothe and not feel afraid

Always felt watched like a spy in training

I wasn’t even AWARE of my own damn feelings

I’d talk to myself openly very cruelly

So now I feel I’ve failed before I’ve even begun

I always wondered why anything I did was not good enough

I have this strict perfectionistic voice in my head

That constantly tells me just how bad I am

A person who has a stroke, often must learn to walk and talk again,

I feel similar with the enormity of this

I feel overwhelmed as if I don’t know where to start

From scratch it is, rebuild what I never had

You’ll never realise the deep PAIN you’ve caused to me

The debilitating effects that BAD parenting had

The YEARS I’ve tried to find problems and what’s wrong

Tried to look for solutions to the inevitable behaviours

It starts with one absolute truth I guess

You didn’t learn trust either, so couldn’t pass that on

All you did was manufactured me wrong

Computer with faulty mother-board, and memory chip

I tried to protect myself from the viruses within me

Self destructive cycles, thinking patterns that drove me

I realised that these were not helping me

Trying to build a life with things you didn’t give me!

Shouldn’t YOU feel ashamed of what you put me through?

Yet I feel the SHAME, and constant SELF-DOUBT!

I am determined to work my way through this nonetheless

I no longer care what you think, I’ll be my own person!

Reminder

I thought it was all my fault for so long

Did I make myself believe that or perhaps I believed what you said

It hurt me to my absolute core I definitely know that

I had to carry on like nothing had happened, and it hurt like hell

I felt like I must be such a horrible bad person

I felt trapped within this drama triangle

I could never forgive you and the anger was intense

I felt so wrecked and emotionally dead

It felt like you never listened to my side

I didn’t get the chance to say what I felt

Every time I said something, it was always wrong

You took your time to tell me in the end

Would I have known, I would have stood aside

You didn’t communicate with me, so how was I to know?

You say I did nothing wrong but you didn’t say that then

I felt pushed aside, abandoned, and rejected

I felt cast off like some debt you could do without

Trying to work out my side what I’d done that was so bad

I couldn’t work out what you meant or whether you were being honest with me

You were often so vague and didn’t say what you actually mean

I just wanted to understand, and get where you were coming from

I realise now of course, I was too involved, asking the questions I did

I won’t get that close again, and I’m sorry too you see

It’s not my business any longer and I don’t need to know

I leave it up to you now to do what you feel is right

You are doing what you can, and I certainly appreciate that

You had to get your own head sorted before you could even see my own

Why did you not talk to someone, and realise you needed help

I guess time will tell if you really mean what you say now

I still cry you know when I think of that difficult time

It wouldn’t surprise me if I didn’t break down every now and then

I know that you are trying to mend and make things right now

Do you realise the cost of how it all felt?

The time, money, effort, and tears?

I’m glad I got to get this stuff out

Keeping it inside was not going to help

I still wonder if you took what I said to heart

This is a reminder just in case you didn’t